Wednesday, December 21, 2016

2016 Reflections.

I don't think I ever skipped a year ever since I started blogging where I have to look back and retrace everything that has happened within the past 12 months. It'd probably be a bit more meaningful if I wrote it in a journal or something but then my hand would get tired and I wouldn't be able to reread half the stuff I jot down anyway. Either way, this helps me reassess where I am at life, figure out my plan, and reach the goals I set out for myself.

I ain't going to lie though, I've been severely depressed since October. I'm pretty much okay with death and letting my parents rent out my room to some stranger, so that my mom doesn't have to complain about work that is too hard to do. The fact that I'm getting through the day everyday is tiring. It's not just the fact that my dog died but that I'm not getting anywhere, and I can't provide. My mom has every right to complain but when I hear it, I feel insanely guilty because I should be able to support. If you don't already know through my YouTube channel, my mom got laid off back in March and has been working under the table on and off since her unemployment money ran out. She essentially gets paid around 60% less for the same (or even more difficult) work she'd done previously. My dad works, but he's also nearing retirement age and doesn't want to work any longer. What's worse is that I have a useless 25 year old little brother who has no sympathy towards anything and is oblivious to the fact that the family living together in a one bedroom apartment is plausible.

You might think I'm just being overly harsh and pessimistic but he is literally one of the most disappointing things that could ever come out of my family. He stopped going to school for over a year because he "didn't get accepted as a transfer" and just plays computer games all day and night. It's super infuriating when you see him wear his stupid headphones/microphone and hear him laugh out loud like everything is okay.  If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't even have a job or money, but the job leaves him enough free time to go to school or actually gain some sort of skill to become an actual adult BUT NOPE! One day, I see him play the new Pokemon Sun game on a new DS. It drives me NUTS because I absolutely refused to help him get a job because of exactly this. He doesn't deserve it, but my mom basically begged me for years to "help" him.

I would randomly go into his room sometimes and just take his DS to "play" (but I couldn't care less) and make the point that he wouldn't even have it, if it weren't for me, and he would say some snarky shit like "I'd just save up money from smashing cans" or something. It's like "yeah, totally, get a head start on that life, man", especially when your mom raised and provided you with all she could and you show her that you've remained a spoiled, ungrateful brat.

As for me, I'm scrambling to be able to make sure my parents never lose what they've earned, while trying to keep myself sane and content, which clearly isn't happening. Late 2015, I took time off from my part time job to really find a full time job that I could stick with. Many applications ignored and a few declines later, I ended up just asking for my old job back because I couldn't take my mom giving me shit for being "useless". My dog comforted me a lot during that time. Walking him and just being outside alone with him let me forget everything for a while, take in a needed deep breath, and power through the day. I miss him a ton. I did get two replies out of that time I was off but one was more of a petty job with a big company, and the other had a really long commute. I couldn't stand thinking that I'd be wasting two hours of my day sitting in a car.

When February came around, I turned 27 but there was nothing joyous to come out of it. I committed to trying to update my YouTube channel more regularly and I've tried setting a schedule for myself but that drained my creativity and left me uninspired, so I made the effort to try and upload at least once a week. Never have I had intentions of wanting to use it to make a living off of it, but I did make a mediocre following and it'd be a shame to just abandon it. I have no real other alternative to use my free time productively anyway. One thing, however, is I'm often questioning the motive behind my videos because almost all of the time, it involves something I bought and how uninteresting I am. But even at that, I get more hits on it than this measly blog (which I don't mind all that much).

My blog was always a place for me to open up, since I don't have many friends and I don't want to burden people with my problems. I don't want people's pity or feedback, just a place to exert all the negative thoughts and feelings within me, which is enough to get a load off my back.

Once summer started rolling around, the job hunt didn't stop. While looking at a follower's Instagram, I noticed he went from working at a Starbucks to becoming a flight attendant, so I looked at some websites out of curiosity. I saw listings for Chinese speaking ones, so I applied to them for fun and got two interviews out of it, but flopped them both. I'm mad at myself even though I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't something that I would be doing until I'm retirement age. I'm mad because it was a missed opportunity to be able to travel, something I personally don't have the means to do.

I resumed the same part time job afterwards and was a little relieved because I knew for sure I wouldn't be leaving my dog in the meantime. Sadly, once late September came, Triton started acting up and refusing to eat. I took it as him being picky and just waiting for my mom to feed him but as time progressed, I noticed him starting to get fatter. I looked up what it could possibly be and thought the least it could be was a build up of gas or too much dinner. Never did I expect for it to turn out that his liver had been leaking fluid and building up around his stomach. I thought he just ate something bad and had to throw it up. He was only two and I did everything to make sure he was healthy. He was walked multiple times a day. I brushed his teeth often. I always checked to see what ever my parents fed him was safe to consume. He was such a good dog. It was foolish of me to think that he wouldn't need vet check ups. Whenever I see stories of dogs on TV and how strong willed and resilient they are, I thought mine was the same and that he, too, could stand things like abuse, live in the streets for weeks, and still come through.

The worst part for me was probably when I left him at the hospital and didn't visit him the night after. I should've made the effort to call and see if I could make an after hour visit because I'm at work during those times. Even though I knew he liked any human who was brave enough to play with him, I was still his person and I essentially abandoned him because he didn't make it after the second night. I understood why people have to be in the room with their dogs when they're put to sleep because they could at least know their humans were beside them. Mine died on his own and without me there with him. It was expected because  I knew the costs were too great, but I could've at least said bye to him as he drifted to sleep. I still cry whenever I type about him and it's been almost three months. I'm such a baby.

On the bright side, I'm half way done paying his bills. I have like $2200 left before I can really think about getting another one, but I know I shouldn't because of my mom and whatnot. Besides my mom, she brought up this dumb ass superstition that people in the [my surname] family shouldn't have dogs because bad things happen to them. Apparently, my aunt heard this once as a kid and brought it up after hearing about what happened to me. I totally felt like the Disney Mulan where all the elders are telling me what I should be doing and how I should live. I'm also starting school again soon because I'm in a rut and the whole animal hospital experience inspired me to look into that field, so money is tight and a new puppy is a huge investment.

But at the same time, on days where I don't work, I find myself waking up at 3pm and not having the will to really do anything. It use to be that I'd get up to let the dog out and do my own routine, but getting up feels more pointless now, if only I was born into a wealthier, more well-educated family...

As the year comes to a close, the fact that I'm going back to school is becoming more real. I drove to the college I'm going to attend before Thanksgiving to take an English placement test and I'm beginning my first class in two weeks. That first class, however, has nothing to do with animal science because you apparently are required to take a PE course to get an associates degree, which I find kind of absurd...but yeah...getting that out of the way since I couldn't get any 1st year Vet Tech classes for winter session.

Let's hope the commute to this AVMA accredited program is worth it and that it's something I'm meant to do. Then, I will be licensed and be surrounded by and caring for animals 5ever.


Post a Comment