I went our usual route and saw several dogs getting their walks. Totally made me feel down being that I was just walking by myself. I miss waiting at the red light and petting my Triton as he sat beside me. My hands started to freeze after the breeze started getting stronger and it hit me that I had finger-less gloves in my closet somewhere (currently using them as I type). I walked almost 4km in total, spun about 20 pokestops, and caught nothing out of the ordinary. Pondering where I should stop to take a quick picture without looking strange, I sat in front of a church for a bit and then proceeded home to have dinner.
Walking in the cold brought me back a memory I wanted to share on Instagram, but I didn't like the pictures I took, so I felt like posting it elsewhere. Back when Triton was almost 5 months old, I would walk him out at night but it was a nightmare since he would tug the leash like crazy. One night, I was so annoyed and yanked him for not walking at heel. I ended up ripping the pocket of one of my jackets in doing so because it was so cold that my hands were always stuffed in my pockets and a leash around my wrist. My mom eventually fixed the jacket for me and Triton ended up a good doggy. It wasn't like one of those memories to laugh back on but the setting took me back to a place.
*Obviously this is all in Chinese
Mom: "We have all these people around and you can't make friends?"
Me: "No, I went to find a place to cry /sarcasm"
Me: "Who said I wanted friends."
Mom: "Why do you have to talk like that, like I did something wrong"
Me: "I never said you did anything wrong. I'm the person that is wrong"
Me: "I can't become a proper person. It's making me tired." (I don't know how to translate this into English)
And then my mom goes on about how this one time, there was this city hall job listing that she wanted me to try, but I never wanted to work in city government. I went through college because of the fact that it's expected of me to. I majored in Political Science because it was easiest for me to get through. She later says how I'm picky as hell and I say that I can say the same back. When I pitched to my mom she can get paid more serving samples on the weekends at the market, her excuse was she doesn't know how to drive to unfamiliar places. Later, she goes on about how not everything is easy and people move on and on until they find the right fit, how she struggles to make a nice dinner and I stopped her at that. I see the struggle and I'm not there to make it okay, but I also don't want to end up losing my goals and ambitions. That if I were to say, work at the post office, that I can't go back to school because I have to support. That everything will be put in the back burner and that's it, just work, sleep, repeat, too tired to do anything else. This is such a "first world problem" thing but she also says shit about how she came to the US to give me a better life than what she had and there are so many opportunities here, yet I'm being nudged to settle at the post office.
I know I can do so much more. I hate the fact or possibility that I might have to settle. My closest friend always thought that I'd be happiest if I was my own boss and I love the idea, but I literally got nothing when it comes to a business. I'm also scared as fuck about whether this Vet Tech thing will work out or not and maybe I really should've just tried working at the post office in the first place because what if both of my parents lost their jobs and we can't possibly insure four cars. My parents would have to sell the house and my good-for-nothing brother, who can't even finish undergrad, would still be bumming his dumb ass in a living room where we all sleep.
I feel so weak, full of fear and uncertainty. The weight of expectations and duties as a son, bringing me down to my own demise. And no one being there, because I vowed to myself that anyone who cut themselves from me would regret doing so, for I'd work to become something great.
...but I'm going to be 30 in no time...
-sigh-
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